Apology/ Insecurity

I'm a classic, Nordic midwesterner.

Don't ask for too much. On that note- don't ask for ANYTHING. Never put anyone out. Don't ask for help. For God's sake, don't take the last of anything on a buffet plate...

I went out for dinner with a couple of fellow midwesterners last weekend. We went to a Tex-Mex place and muched on the obligatory basket of tortilla chips while we waited almost 45 minutes for our food. We were starving. But we all let that last tortilla chip sit in the basket and taunt us. No one dared touch it. My craving for salt and some kind of sustenance nearly drove me mad so I started to eat the crumbs in the bottom of the basket leaving the last chip untouched. When our food still refused to arrive and the crumbs had been long gone I broke the chip in half. The remaining piece of chip remained in the basket until the waiter finally took pity on us and brought us another basket of chips.

I figure my chip rudeness was made possible by the fact that I've lived in New York for 8 years. Yeah, I'm badass. I'll eat HALF of that last chip! You can't stop me! I'm breakin' the law!

Yesterday I had to go door to door to some area businesses and pitch a promotion that Ben and I want to do for our show. I kept wanting to apologize for taking up their time and asking them to join in. I felt like I was asking so much of them when, in reality, I was really offering them a hell of a deal. For just letting me put up one flyer in their establishment for 6 weeks they would be getting new foot traffic, a thank you on our program and a thank you on our website plus a link to their website if they have one. Their commitment is easy. Ben and I do all the work. I'm not asking for much and I am giving a lot. But my midwestern mind can't get around the fact that I am accosting them in their place of business and making them read a piece of paper. How rude.

I'm not cut out for aggressive sales. I'm not good at promoting myself but I had better GET good. I can't escape my current belief that I am a huge burden on the world and that my contributions are miniscule. I imagine people disliking me and talking behind my back about what a loser I am and how I've really let myself go over the last few years. She used to have talent, I wonder what happened?

Well, I can't apologize for my insecurity. It is where I am at and I just need to be there until I am not there anymore. Pretending is not in my nature and, contrary to popular perception, acting is not pretending. Acting is about being honest with yourself and with those around you. I know how to be confident. I have been so in other circumstances and I believe I will be again. But for now I have to be honest with myself about where I am truly at. Luckily, this is all fine because my character is not exactly feeling so secure or confident either. It really is funny how roles come right when you are working on something in your personal life that applies to the character's struggle. I guess that is how you know that you're doing something right.