The Numbers Game

There are plenty of numbers in my life. This time of year the numbers seem to have more importance as this is the time of year which they change.

November marked the 13th anniversaty of my first date with my husband. In December I will celebrate my 32nd birthday. Yes- do the math and you'll see I was just shy of 19 when my husband and I got together. Make of that what you will, but we're still together.

I have two good friends living in the city that I've known since my idiot years. One I've known for 22 years, another I've known for 16. We're still close.

I've lived in New York for 8 years. My son is 5. I've not been on stage in anything in 5 1/2 years. In the last 5 years I've finished 3 screenplays and 1 stage play with another one in the works. I've produced 4 stage productions in New York and 1 film. I directed 2 of those stage productions and am about to appear as an actor in another. I've had 2 blogs. I've worked with, literally, hundreds of children ages birth to 12. I drink an average of 4 cups of coffee a day and 1 alcoholic beverage a day. My goal is to do at least 20 minutes of stretching/ yoga a day and I average about 5 minutes.

It feels like my life is a giant word problem and I have yet to find the correct value for all the variables.

The number that gives me most pause is the number 32. It's not old in the grand scheme of things, but when 40 year old actors are having "comebacks" then it feels like I am already too late. I've missed the bus. I keep reminding myself that Mae West did not get into film until she was 40 and that boosts my spirits. But she had been a perfomer since she was a small child. She also had a show on Broadway in her 30's that was shut down for obscenity. People were arrested. When was the last time THAT happened at a Broadway show? Oh Mae, you're my hero.

But I digress. In my early 20's I got into a huge argument in a Meisner class with an actress in her late 20's. She was worried about her days in the business being numbered and I flat out told her that she was full of shit. I haven't seen her since then. Maybe she was right. Or maybe she couldn't stomach the business. I can understand that. Or maybe the numbers mean something for women who think the only thing they have to offer the business is their beauty and their craft (Sometimes just their beauty). I may grow unattractive, but I still have my brains, my ability to write, my understanding of how to put together a good show, my directorial skills, and I am a fairly compelling figure- regardless of my weight, wrinkles or potential grey hairs. At least, that is what I need to believe in order to continue. If I lose faith in that I may as well quit and blame it on the shallowness of this business. The business is only as shallow as its participants will allow it to be. People will watch whatever is available to them. If we give them shallow crap- they'll watch it because it's there. If we raise the bar...

I have this argument with people all the time. They say that people don't want to be challenged. Maybe they don't. They've been out of practice for so long. Compare some films from the year 1939 with this past year. In 1939 we had Dark Victory, The Wizard of Oz, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, The Women, Ninotchka, Of Mice and Men. and Gone with the Wind. The studios weren't any less interested in making money then than they are today. Not to mention that they were making films for general audiences that had, by and large, less formal education than American audiences have today. And yet look what they made! You can't tell me that people won't go for it. If it is out there and it is entertaining people will go.

I have to believe that 32 doesn't matter and proceed accordingly. It's still very young. I feel very young, just not AS young as I once was. I shouldn't be penalized for that. I shouldn't LET anyone penalize me for that. I've always said that people play in active part in their own oppression. If you believe what everyone says about you then you are beholden to their world view. If you believe only in what you know in your heart to be true regardless of what "they" have to say, then there is nothing to hold you back.