"You Look Great!"

Leave it to me to turn a compliment into an insult.

Lately, I've been running into a lot of people that I haven't seen in a few years. They've all said the same thing, "You look great!". Gee. Thanks. Don't sound so surprised.

In my twisted mind I hear the unspoken, "Cuz, man, the last time I saw you, you looked like crap! It's good to see you all cleaned up..." I know that isn't exactly what they are thinking, but I find it hard for my brain not to go to that negative space. I have a habit of being defeated even before I leave the gate.

I'm not alone in that. We are mired in negativity. It appears that our nation actually runs on negativity. You're damned if you do, so why try?

I'll tell you what, I really like Dennis Kucinich. That little guy has got to have some big ones to get in front of the American people and say that his gentle principles need not be comprimised just because he is running for President. To me, he's the bravest candidate running because he is positive that he can achieve his goals by keeping his eyes on the prize. I have a sneaking suspicion that he actually has a vision for what that prize actually is. All the other candidates are "playing the obstacle", to use one of my favorite phrases. There are a lot of "ifs", "buts", and "thens" in their vocabularies. They play to the negativity of the situation, the problems, the drama. "Oh! It's so HARD! But I've got the solution, if you'll let me do it and if... and but...and then..."

Kucinich doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell, but I like him. I'd like to be a little bit more like Dennis Kucinich myself.

Seeing the positive, the possibility of a situation is an exciting frame of mind. Not to mention that it is also a very creative state of mind. I'll use one of my favorite examples of making a positive choice from an acting standpoint. I'll tell this story to illustrate that positive isn't always what you think it means.

Years ago I had a revelatory moment in an acting class when my teacher declared, "Stanley Kowalski is the most patient man in the world." It was then that I GOT it. Of course, Stanley Kowalski is not the quality of "animal" or "masculine", he is a human being. From his perspective he is putting up with a lot from his sister-in-law, and he thinks that all of his actions are justified and right. An actor playing Stanley must put aside all of his ideas of what Stanley should look like, talk like, and even feel like until he has empathized with Stanley's point of view. The actor cannot, and should not, wallow in Stanley's predicament, but should use each beat, each moment, to work toward a resolution using the tools he has available.

Another example is any character about to commit suicide. Suicide is not the obstacle to the character's "happiness", it is the solution. I've seen (and sadly, been one myself) actors play suicide moments as tortured, heavy moments full of pain and doubt. The sad truth is, to that character, suicide is a release and once the decision has been made they get a little lighter. If you talk to people who have been close to anyone who has committed suicide most of them will tell you that they never saw it coming. Things seemed to be getting so much better. In reality, that person seemed better because they had just removed the last obstacle and they felt relieved.

Don't write to me and tell me that I am advocating suicide. I'm not. This is where the actor's craft gets dicey and dangerous because people tend to misinterpret the actor's empathy. I think, perhaps, our electronic age is encouraging us to ignore our capacity for empathy. We spew a lot of negativity through our various electronic boxes. We gossip, we hide our identities through screen names and say things we wouldn't say if we had to look that person in the eye. There is an entire series on cable devoted to different disasters that could annihilate the human species. Morning talk shows are filled with mealy mouthed hosts that smile vapidly as they go through their partially scripted 2 minute conversations that are really just filler to get to the real purpose of the show...to get you to watch commercials. It is hard to motivate yourself to do anything in this kind of environment. Other than to wallow in the negativity. That's a viable option.

Really, positive action isn't good or bad. Positive action is anything the moves a situation, a person, forward into the next phase and the next decision. We now have a culture that encourages stagnation. We are easier to control when we are busy chasing our tails. We can be herded to the slaughter. My urge to go to a negative place after being given a compliment is my urge to go backward to an uncomfortable place of self-loathing. It keeps me stagnant. It keeps me focused on my own personal obstacle- I don't think I'm pretty enough. If I could accept the compliment and let it make me feel good I could move on to the next thing in my life instead of obsessing about how I had let myself go for so long.

So, yeah. I actually DO look great. Thanks.

Giving Direction/ Needing Direction

I had always hoped that I would have ended up being some flamboyant genius director. I wanted to be one of those revolutionary directors that could leave a welt on the text. I wanted to be visionary, loud and odd.

I'm not. The more I work as a director the more I feel I should just get out of the way. I'm starting to see my job as a director more akin to a goalie than a master artist. My job is to define the boundaries of the text and when an actor or designer gets too close to the edge my job is to kick 'em back into play.

I suppose it is more than that. Beyond defending the outer edges of the given circumstances I am also a good host. Rehearsals should be loose and enjoyable and I get to plan the working party. I suppose I also play cheerleader and mascot from time to time but other than that I don't do much. That used to bother me. I used to complain that I wasn't DOING anything and wasn't serving any useful purpose other than being a really good pre-audience laughter guage. I am a healthy laugher. But now I am seeing the subtle and quiet value of my fly on the wall style. Occassionally I give a ripping good note and I can be fairly insightful, but mostly I just watch. And when I am not watching I am pretty good at pinpointing the reasons why I am not watching. Those reasons are often the same reasons that will cause a general audience to go astray. So, I make note of it and decide how to relay that information to the actor in question. That's it. There really isn't much else to my job.

Except for my aesthetic sense, which I suppose is important. Just not day to day.

But I am learning that I cannot and should not direct myself. I freeze on myself all the time and I don't make choices. I don't know how anyone else does it. It is most definitely a skill I do not possess. You can't imagine how it pains me to say so! But, in the immortal words of Popeye, "I am what I am and that's all that I am".

Well, good. I'm glad I know that much. It keeps my head from getting too big.

Tomorrow night I will be stepping on stage in a role I would not be comfortable with if I had a million rehearsals. As it turns out, I've only had two. Due to a bizarre set of circumstances I find myself covering for an actor in the show I've been directing (see notice on the right) and I wish I had someone standing guard on the edges of the text to kick me back into play. In the two rehearsals that I've had I have paced over the same well-worn path and I am terrified of deviation. What if I get lost and there's no one to bring me back? What if, what if, what if? Sometimes, it's nice to know someone is looking out for you so you don't have to look out for yourself.

Thank God, though, that I've got some stellar actors that I know have my back.

Maybe I'll feel better about it next week.

No Dignity in Needless Self-Torture

I once saw an interview with John Partick Shanley in which he bassically said that if a project isn't working and you feel miserable you should quit. This makes some sense and, for most people, would not have stood out as anything to remember. For me, however, it was revolutionary. I felt a pathway literally fire through my brain like a hot knife through butter. What do you mean, quit? Stop doing it? What?

The idea was foreign to me and I had to sit down and really think about what it means to be a woman of my word. I think many of us "dependable people" look at the world and see how others can be, well, less dependable. It makes us double our efforts, it makes us think that our dependablity makes us special. So, for me that means I will stick with a bad job or a bad project to the point of torturing myself. I am learning that part of having personal integrity is knowing when to say, 'there is a better person for this job than me'. It is okay to learn that you have limitations and it is okay to discover that you've made a wrong turn and you need to get back to the main road- fast. Sometimes it is okay to quit.

I recently had a pleasant conversation with someone who was overwhelmed by a certain responsibility. He felt he wasn't up to the task, but also felt that he was between a rock and a hard place because he assumed no one else could do the job. I heard the struggle inside him. I know he wanted to be shot of it. The job was just too big for him, bigger and harder than he could have imagined when he said yes to the job. The job made him feel miserable. The misery spilled out into his work. His work was not up to par. Everyone suffers in the group when one person is not up to the job. He quit. He felt guilty but much lighter once it was all over.

No, it is not okay to just quit because you're feeling diva and are bored. But if the job isn't right and if you aren't right for it, there is no shame in admitting it. There is great wisdom in knowing and understanding what it right for you. Now that I consider this lessson ( which I imagine I will be practicing for years to come) I feel a sense of freedom. I don't have to be chained to things that make me miserable simply because I want to be seen as dependable. I am not doing anyone any favors by sticking it out when there is probably someone who is just right for that job right around the corner.

The Universe wants us to be free. So choose it.

Letting Be

I sometimes wonder if I have "style". My favorite artists leave a mark on their work that is so distinct, not because they have a rubber stamp of their personality that they routinely use to hold down loose ends, but because they can't help it. The way they see the world and themselves in it is so individual that it seeps into their work regardless of the medium of genre. Arthur Miller has a very distinct and curious view of the world. Billy Wilder made wildly different films and yet, as different as they are, they all have an unmistakable wit to them that crosses over from noir to comedy because of Wilder and his ever-present collaborator I.A.L Diamond. Hal Ashby's films have a bizarre and uniquely masculine sensitivity. I could watch Katherine Hepburn all day long and never tire of seeing how she transforms her "Yankee sensibility" to fit her roles. The list goes on.

How I long to emulate them. Their style, their grace and, above all, their great wit and insight. But I also know that I cannot force myself to be anyone or anything other than what I am. If I am to have a style at all it can only be defined by who and what I am. I can pay hommage to the performers/ writers/ directors I love, but I cannot be them. I have to be honest with myself.

In a way that, well, that sucks. There is no short cut to self discovery and it is hard to just be who and what you truly are. There are roles we play. I often catch myself speaking in my sisters' voices. I sound like Kristen when I tell a joke. I sound like Pam when I flirt. Sometimes I will adopt the cadence of my friends' speech. I sound like Britt when I tell a wry or dirty anecdote. When I'm with Aaron I have to force myself not to conform to his London sound. I'm a verbal Zelig, changing my speech to suit my message and my audience. Then I go home and beat myself soundly for acting such a fool. Why can't you just be yourself? You look like such an idiot! Everybody knows you're a fake and a fraud! Stupid actor! Stupid stupid actor!

Clearly, that will not help me in my quest. But it is so much easier to be angry and self- destructive than it is to be responsible for change and growth. Anger and self-hatred is easy. Acceptance is hard.

A while back a friend of mine read a script I wrote. His first comment was, "Well, it's got your fingerprints all over it". I took that as a great compliment. Then I noticed that he didn't say anything about that being a good thing. My dilemma was how to take that comment. Do I worry about what a dork I am? Or do I realize that this guy is my friend for a reason and maybe my "fingerprints" might not be among the world's greatest, but if they are uniquely mine then I guess I've accomplished something.

I've expressed my self.

Planet Alignment

Monday was an unbelievably gorgeous day in NYC. I whistled and practically skipped to rehearsals on Monday afternoon. I was pleased with myself, and not just because it was lovely outside, but because I realized that I was about to embark on a six week period of my life in which every single day would be filled with things I actually want to do. I'm not exaggerating. Every. Single. Day. How often does that happen? I've been blessed.

I am teaching and being taught, experimenting, writing and directing and making room in my life for some things that are very, very new. I'm getting a glimpse of what my life could be like if I could only take advantage of the opportunities offered. Of course, I would also have to learn how to recognize those opportunities when they bite me in the ass, but that is another topic all together.

Already I feel as though I've been hit by a bus (a nice, happy bus, but a bus nonetheless) as I dive into a six day work week. I know that I can't conceivably keep up this pace for very long, but a few weeks seems doable as I know I will be forced to take the summer "off". But that, too, is another story.

After several years of self-mistrust I am slowly learning how to roll with it and trust that I am not the only responsible adult in the world. I am learning how to delegate and prioritize in a way I never have before. I am also learning to accept the fact that things are going to fall through the cracks. My house is going to be a disaster (possibly now through the end of time) and I am going to have those sleepless nights when my To Do List keeps me wide awake. The main difference between now and a couple of years ago, and even two weeks ago, is that I see this flurry of activity is, in and of itself, a success. If I fail at one project or another it doesn't matter as much as it would have at another time in my life. I've never been this busy before. The fact that I am busy means that I have reached a level of success that I had not reached before.

There are a bunch of boys in one of the classes I am teaching who really give me a run for my money. They have smart mouths, they have a hard time focusing, they challenge me and everything I say. They have to be prodded to do the work and they seriously resist being lead more than an inch out of their comfort zones. These boys frustrate me terribly, and yet they are also my most affectionate students. They are the first to embrace me when I walk in the door and they grumble with one another about who gets to sit next to me when we work on the classroom floor. They greedily inhale anything that sounds remotely like praise from me and absorb it into their blood streams. They challenge me and poke me and try my patience, but they also care the most. Their difficult behavior is their method of engagement with me and I need to take it as such. I can't interpret it as an indictment of me and my methods, but as a strange sign of respect.

I spent the majority of my formative years seeking and enjoying friendships with males. I learned that teasing and both literal and figurative head butting are signs of affection and validation. Maybe life's challenges are much the same. I am going to be tackling some pretty big things in the next year or so and I feel excited and somewhat intimidated. However, I have to look at it this way- Since life (God, Goddess, the Universe, what have you) has seen fit to give me these challenges and poke me from time to time, I should take it as a sign of love and respect.

That's a much more pleasant outlook than sitting around thinking that I've been screwed.

Leading a Horse to Water

I keep finding myself in these teaching situations where I have to coax the young'uns into working. I have to throw some kind of carrot in front of them to get them to do what they walked in the door to do. It's an extra curricular drama class. No one forced them to come in the room. They came of their own free will. And yet, no one wants to be the first person to commit. No one wants to put in any effort because effort is not cool. As the teacher, they expect me to bring it all to their doorstep. Just push it through the mail slot, Teach. I'll pick it up when I am damn good and ready.

This is foreign to my experience. I was a nerd and only too eager to grab on to the lifeline that was thrown to me. Of course, my living situation was not as stressful as what some of these kids are going through. I trusted my lifeline. They don't have much trust at all, not even in themselves. Saying yes and stepping forward to claim an opportunity is much more difficult than entertaining a painful status quo.

Everytime I get frustrated I set myself down and remind myself of all the lifelines I have refused in the past six years. I have even refused the invitations to teach because I felt that I had very little to offer. So you tell me that all I need to do is give of myself and I will reach success? Well, what if my "self" is worthless? What if I am not enough? Failing will be painful. And yet teaching jobs kept coming to me and I could no longer push them away. I found myself faced with an opportunity I could no longer refuse, although I desperately wanted to. I still want to. I lay awake nights thinking about how I have failed these kids because I haven't gotten through. I keep searching for an end point- a place where I can feel some accomplishment. But the work never ends and that boulder just gets heavier and heavier while the hill seems much steeper than the last go round.

Yesterday I had a moment on the train with a couple of teenage boys. They were displaying their obnoxious rebellion in technicolor, swearing, laughing too loud and just being way too Eddie Haskell. At one point, one of them turns to the other and says, "You know what's cool? Smoking on the train!". The other boy agrees and they both pull out their packs and their lighters. I couldn't help myself.

"Oh, come on guys. Don't do it." They froze, surprised that I was not too intimidated to address them, "You aren't the only two people in here. Show some respect."

That is when the black woman behind them and the older gentleman on the other side got into the act. I sat back and watched the two of them talk to these boys. The woman was a nurse and the older man was a retired teacher. These two boys fell into a "yes, ma'am", "no, sir" posture that I didn't think existed anymore. They were kind, but firm and then they kicked a little ass. Of course, those boys got off the train in a snowstorm to smoke, but they didn't smoke on the train. I was on the train for two more stops and listened to the man tell his war stories from NYC high schools .

"There's a reason I quit teaching, you know." He said with a sigh, "In the 80's, I saw nine year olds smoking crack." He shook his head.

"Believe me, I know." said the nurse.

That is when I realized that I still see myself as a teenager. What teenager would value information from another teenager? I'm not having defiance or danger in my classroom, just sketpticism. What do I need to stretch for, Miss? I don't want to play no bad guy, Miss! Miss, this scene is boring. It takes too long. I empathize with them. I can see why five minutes of stretching makes them feel self-conscious about their bodies. I can see why someone would feel sensitive about having to play "the bad guy". I can also see why working on a scene that requires an actor to stretch their daily level of compassion to its limit would be "boring". Anything that you refuse to invest yourself in would be boring.

I'm struggling to find my voice as a teacher. I know that there are populations that respond more readily to me than others. I'm trying to learn, to adjust my style and my curriculum to better reach other kids while still not sacrificing the material. What I really have to learn is how to get them to meet me half way. I can't seem to convince these horses that they are thirsty. I need to temper my desire to reach them with the knowledge that not everyone is ready to be reached.

As much as I want to, I can't make them drink.

The Numbers Game

There are plenty of numbers in my life. This time of year the numbers seem to have more importance as this is the time of year which they change.

November marked the 13th anniversaty of my first date with my husband. In December I will celebrate my 32nd birthday. Yes- do the math and you'll see I was just shy of 19 when my husband and I got together. Make of that what you will, but we're still together.

I have two good friends living in the city that I've known since my idiot years. One I've known for 22 years, another I've known for 16. We're still close.

I've lived in New York for 8 years. My son is 5. I've not been on stage in anything in 5 1/2 years. In the last 5 years I've finished 3 screenplays and 1 stage play with another one in the works. I've produced 4 stage productions in New York and 1 film. I directed 2 of those stage productions and am about to appear as an actor in another. I've had 2 blogs. I've worked with, literally, hundreds of children ages birth to 12. I drink an average of 4 cups of coffee a day and 1 alcoholic beverage a day. My goal is to do at least 20 minutes of stretching/ yoga a day and I average about 5 minutes.

It feels like my life is a giant word problem and I have yet to find the correct value for all the variables.

The number that gives me most pause is the number 32. It's not old in the grand scheme of things, but when 40 year old actors are having "comebacks" then it feels like I am already too late. I've missed the bus. I keep reminding myself that Mae West did not get into film until she was 40 and that boosts my spirits. But she had been a perfomer since she was a small child. She also had a show on Broadway in her 30's that was shut down for obscenity. People were arrested. When was the last time THAT happened at a Broadway show? Oh Mae, you're my hero.

But I digress. In my early 20's I got into a huge argument in a Meisner class with an actress in her late 20's. She was worried about her days in the business being numbered and I flat out told her that she was full of shit. I haven't seen her since then. Maybe she was right. Or maybe she couldn't stomach the business. I can understand that. Or maybe the numbers mean something for women who think the only thing they have to offer the business is their beauty and their craft (Sometimes just their beauty). I may grow unattractive, but I still have my brains, my ability to write, my understanding of how to put together a good show, my directorial skills, and I am a fairly compelling figure- regardless of my weight, wrinkles or potential grey hairs. At least, that is what I need to believe in order to continue. If I lose faith in that I may as well quit and blame it on the shallowness of this business. The business is only as shallow as its participants will allow it to be. People will watch whatever is available to them. If we give them shallow crap- they'll watch it because it's there. If we raise the bar...

I have this argument with people all the time. They say that people don't want to be challenged. Maybe they don't. They've been out of practice for so long. Compare some films from the year 1939 with this past year. In 1939 we had Dark Victory, The Wizard of Oz, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, The Women, Ninotchka, Of Mice and Men. and Gone with the Wind. The studios weren't any less interested in making money then than they are today. Not to mention that they were making films for general audiences that had, by and large, less formal education than American audiences have today. And yet look what they made! You can't tell me that people won't go for it. If it is out there and it is entertaining people will go.

I have to believe that 32 doesn't matter and proceed accordingly. It's still very young. I feel very young, just not AS young as I once was. I shouldn't be penalized for that. I shouldn't LET anyone penalize me for that. I've always said that people play in active part in their own oppression. If you believe what everyone says about you then you are beholden to their world view. If you believe only in what you know in your heart to be true regardless of what "they" have to say, then there is nothing to hold you back.

Apology/ Insecurity

I'm a classic, Nordic midwesterner.

Don't ask for too much. On that note- don't ask for ANYTHING. Never put anyone out. Don't ask for help. For God's sake, don't take the last of anything on a buffet plate...

I went out for dinner with a couple of fellow midwesterners last weekend. We went to a Tex-Mex place and muched on the obligatory basket of tortilla chips while we waited almost 45 minutes for our food. We were starving. But we all let that last tortilla chip sit in the basket and taunt us. No one dared touch it. My craving for salt and some kind of sustenance nearly drove me mad so I started to eat the crumbs in the bottom of the basket leaving the last chip untouched. When our food still refused to arrive and the crumbs had been long gone I broke the chip in half. The remaining piece of chip remained in the basket until the waiter finally took pity on us and brought us another basket of chips.

I figure my chip rudeness was made possible by the fact that I've lived in New York for 8 years. Yeah, I'm badass. I'll eat HALF of that last chip! You can't stop me! I'm breakin' the law!

Yesterday I had to go door to door to some area businesses and pitch a promotion that Ben and I want to do for our show. I kept wanting to apologize for taking up their time and asking them to join in. I felt like I was asking so much of them when, in reality, I was really offering them a hell of a deal. For just letting me put up one flyer in their establishment for 6 weeks they would be getting new foot traffic, a thank you on our program and a thank you on our website plus a link to their website if they have one. Their commitment is easy. Ben and I do all the work. I'm not asking for much and I am giving a lot. But my midwestern mind can't get around the fact that I am accosting them in their place of business and making them read a piece of paper. How rude.

I'm not cut out for aggressive sales. I'm not good at promoting myself but I had better GET good. I can't escape my current belief that I am a huge burden on the world and that my contributions are miniscule. I imagine people disliking me and talking behind my back about what a loser I am and how I've really let myself go over the last few years. She used to have talent, I wonder what happened?

Well, I can't apologize for my insecurity. It is where I am at and I just need to be there until I am not there anymore. Pretending is not in my nature and, contrary to popular perception, acting is not pretending. Acting is about being honest with yourself and with those around you. I know how to be confident. I have been so in other circumstances and I believe I will be again. But for now I have to be honest with myself about where I am truly at. Luckily, this is all fine because my character is not exactly feeling so secure or confident either. It really is funny how roles come right when you are working on something in your personal life that applies to the character's struggle. I guess that is how you know that you're doing something right.

I Don't Have to Freak Out

Breathe. In. Out. In. Out.

There IS time.

Just because the roller coaster is slowly ticking to the top of the hill does not mean that the drop needs to be so horrifying. You got on this ride for a reason. You wanted to experience that free fall. You wanted the wind screaming in your ears and the jostling, twisting and turning. You are strapped into the safety harness. Yes, when you take that loop your butt will leave the seat and your shoulders will strain against the padded metal harness, but the odds are with you. You will not be featured on some Jon Stossel report about the dangers of roller coasters. You will be okay. You stood in line for this ride for too long to back out now. You wanted to be on this ride. So quit yer bitchin'.

Week two of rehearsals has begun to turn my hair white. Not because anything is wrong, but because that old sense of inferiority has begun to creep in. Who the hell are you to ask people to come see your show? Hmmm? Why would anyone help you? No one has any faith in you at all! You are a worthless loser! A no talent hack and the very worst kind of no talent hack- the kind that fancies she's got some artistic integrity! What a laugh!

Maybe I should make a Voodoo doll of that voice in my head. Do you think that would work? I've tried just about everything else. If I could just get a physical representation of that damn thing, maybe I could beat it into submission, rip it apart, destroy it. What use is it to me? Even if I DO suck (which, in all honesty, I don't think I do) it wouldn't stop me anyway. It just makes me sick and miserable. Stupid voice!

No. I don't have to freak out because I am not required to be perfect. In fact, my job demands the exact opposite. My job requires me to be messy, ugly, fat, insecure, and uncertain. The fact that I already have all of these things inside me should be a plus! There's no reason to hide them. I'm a nuerotic mess playing a nuerotic mess! I need to let the rest of it go because it is just useless baggage weighing me down.

At today's rehearsal I am going to be desperate and messy because that's how I feel. Then I am going to feel good about it. Then I am going to spend an evening with my son and I am going to slow things down.

I don't have to freak out.