Burning the Candle at Both Ends- and in the Middle

I've heard a lot of young women ask older actresses about the balance between career and family. They want to know if it can be done. Can you live a life in art and have children? Sure you can. Can you do both and succeed at both? Sure, I guess. All the time?

No. No you can't. No one can keep that up without cracking severely.

That doesn't mean that it isn't worth trying. People have kids in all kinds of bizarre situations. Some do very well. Some do not. It's kind of a crap shoot no matter what your situation is and I don't see how living a life in art is any different than any other circumstance that presents a specific set of challenges. You know, like being a single parent, having an ongoing illness, having a demanding work schedule... any of these things can make having a family that much harder but they don't stop people. Maybe they should, but they don't. And a lot of the time these kids make it to their 20's, 30's and 40's and ask the same life questions we do. There are no easy answers.

As a woman who will humbly admit to a certain proficiency in many areas of artistic interest and who also has a five year old I am inclined to encourage younger women to wait. I had my son too young for this business and by "too young" I mean in my mid 20's. Years that could have been about hitting the pavement or about producing/writing/performing show after show after show were spent just trying to do the math. Holy crap kids are expensive! This planted a bumper crop of bitterness and resentment that could have been avoided if I had waited.

Regardless, I wouldn't take back the last 5 years for anything. I've grown and been seriously humbled by the experience of motherhood. I adore my son. But this is hard. Let's take the last few days as an example of the pace I keep. I've kept a schedule that looks something like this:

7:00 AM- shower, pack lunch, throw in load of laundry, make breakfast, take meds
7:40 AM- get the boy up, dressed, fed, teeth brushed, try to maintain good humor while dealing with daily traumas like
a lost toy or a missing homework assignment
8:20 AM- walk the boy to school
8:30 AM- get cup of coffee and go home
8:40 AM- eat while looking over script, answering emails, planning 'to do' list
9:00 AM- leave to catch train
10:00 AM- 2:00 PM- rehearsals
3:00 PM- home, phone calls, finish laundry, pick up house, plan dinner, get groceries if necessary, run errands, deal with the
exterminator (full time job in and of itself these days), bake banana bread (can't throw those bananas away!), spend
time on the script
5:45 PM- Pick up the boy at After School, fix dinner, do homework, play games, read, try not to explode over whining or
criticism of cooking, dodge constant requests for new toys and endless hours of watching TV, teeth brushed,
pajamas on
7:30 PM- Read stories
8:00 PM- bedtime- grin through the 80 drinks of water and 100 trips to the bathroom while making props, working on
promo material, doing research, crunching numbers, fielding phone calls, shop online for Christmas presents,
wonder how the hell you're going to pay for those Christmas presents, look into volunteer opportunities for the
family because the boy really needs to broaden his view of the world and get some perspective about life, call
all babysitters to try to cover the performance evenings in case husband needs to work late, wonder how the
hell you're going to pay for the sitter, look at upcoming schedule and try to carve out some time to be with
husband, wonder how the hell you're going to pay for the sitter so you can spend time with husband, plan
the next sleepover by writing emails, stare at numbers for show again until you think it might make a profit
11:00 PM- Watch The Daily Show and The Colbert Report and have a beer or a glass of wine
12:00 AM- There is something you missed. Look over the work you did on the computer today. What the hell did you miss?
Plan expenses for the week. Count the money in your wallet. Do you have clean underwear? Do you have pants that
are comfortable for rehearsal tomorrow? Do they need to be ironed? Does the boy have any clean "soft pants" as he
refuses to wear jeans or khakis. Oh crap. You didn't do yoga today. Oh well, maybe tomorrow...
1:00 AM- finally go to sleep.

7:00 AM- Do it all over again.

I've been doing this for a few weeks. Of course, my weekend schedule is slightly different since the boy is home from school and he doesn't go to After School every day...

Sometimes the show stuff is replaced by writing stuff. Sometimes there is a horrible, horrible lull and I spend my time crocheting top hats and king sized comforters to keep myself going. The thing that is the hardest is that whenever I feel good about being involved in some project or other I wind up being criticized by my 5 year old for not being as attentive as I am when I don't have a pressing project. He has become the nagging voice in my head that screams at me for not doing or being enough. That's not his intention. He's not evil. He's just used to having all of mom all the time and now that I am getting my life back he is feeling neglected and left behind. It's just growing pains and he is moving on to his own things just as I am moving on to mine. It's a hard adjustment and I imagine it will take years for us to get it right.

I'm glad he's in kindergarten and really enjoying school and friends. I'm glad he's gained enough independence to do things for himself. It has been a huge load off my mind. Of course, I can't help but think that I'd like another one... which means I have to add thinking about THAT to my 'to do' list. When could I get pregnant and what kind of project could I pursue while gestating? How will I get back into shape since I still have 15 pounds to lose from my last kid? How am I going to maintain my creative space with a new baby? How in the hell would we pay for a new baby?

If you're a young actor wondering about family, don't rule it out. Anything is possible. Just know what you're getting into. It's a mess. But if you don't lose sight of yourself and stay present in the moment it can be a joyous mess.

Besides, what else have you got to do that's so important?