Fear

For a very short while in my twneties I studied Anne Bogart's Viewpoints. As with any method of working, the methodology is always colored by the teacher who teaches it. I enjoyed my brief study, but lo these many years later I retained one key sentence.

The source of all creation is terror.

I'm sure I am paraphrasing and paraphrasing it horribly. I am most likely mangling the concept and missing the major point of her work. I know that I could simply walk to my bookshelf and look it up properly, but in a way I really don't want to. Because, I am holding on to this sentence as a life preserver. I am hoping that it is true because, if it is true, I am bound to be in the thick of the most creative period in my life to date.

Although it isn't the terror that is causing this bout of creative energy in my life. It seems more a biproduct than a cause. The more I create or committ to create, the more terrified I am. What if I can't balance my creative life and my family life? What if I have to choose between the two- again? What if I get rejected? Can I handle it? Will I be like Ed Wood, toiling faithfully in a form for which I've no real aptitude? Or will I be like countless others who quit because they hit 30 and no longer cared for the stuggle?

To be sure, heading back into performing in my 30's is a bit more frightening than it was after my acting hiatus between 18 and 21. After all, I was 21 and pretty cute. Now I'm 31, still cute, but I feel a bit worn and cuteness does not truly become me any longer. If I don't know what to do with myself, how can I expect anyone else to utilize my skills?

Not to mention that this giant chip on my shoulder has never served me in the business. I am not a product. I cannot be bought or sold. Every time that I have ever worked on something in which I had less than 100% faith, I felt miserable. I felt sick. Now, 100% faith does not necessarily mean that I believed the work WAS good. It is that I believed it COULD be good. There's a difference. It was the difference between feeling my worth and feeling used. I may be a little too proud-too arrogant- for this kind of work. And yet, here I am.

I am in the midst of some pre-production efforts for my first stage appearance in 5 years. The nuerotic episodes are worse now than they were for my last "comeback". Mostly because my circumstances have gotten, understandably, more complex. I feel like I am gambling with my family's future as opposed to the gambling I did then with my fledgling romantic relationship. My husband, (then boyfriend) supported me then and he supports me now but my fear clouds my self confidence. Fear clouds my ability to BE supported. My teachers always warned me to work smart, not hard. Well, unfortunately I do not value that which comes easily to me. I may have to tear myself apart to make this one stick.

But I would not allow this from any of my students. I would not allow this from any of my friends. This is NOT the way to approach a new step in one's creative career. So I must learn to fight the fear. I must accept it and disspell it. The first step in this process is to acknowledge the fear. To give it a name and deny it access to my soul. Then I need to provide myself with evidence of my own ability and build myself up again.

My fear is failure.

Now on to step two.