What I'll Do For Free

Money is an obsession with me.

I hate it. I need it. I hate that I need it. I want it. I wish I didn't want it. I deserve it. I can't ask for it. I don't know how to make it and I wish the whole sordid mess would just go away.

I've been struglling to understand my relationship to money and trying to separate it from my sense of self worth. This is no easy task- especially in New York where you are encouraged to live way beyond your means. When a cheap pint of beer is $6.00, you really have to think hard about your priorities. Or, maybe not.

At any rate, I was chugging down a pint or two at a local watering hole (said pint was the courtesy of a kind man at the end of the bar who thought my friends and I were particularly gracious regarding a broken bar stool...) telling tales of my nude photography experience and gossiping about celebrity break ups. One of my friends remarked on how people sell themselves so quickly now. Celebrities pose nude at the drop of a hat now where as that would be unheard of 20 years ago. She then asked if I would get any money if this nude photo of me sold. I shrugged and said I had already been paid and that I didn't care. If the photographer made a million dollars off the photo I'd be happy for the photographer. She looked incredulous. Not even if it fetched him a million? (Theoretically speaking) What do you mean you wouldn't want a cut? That's your body!

Good question.

But, you know, I signed the release for a reason. He put way more work into the photo than I did. He created the set, the lighting, the mood, hand picked the people involved in the shoot, hand picked me... I think what I was paid was more than fair for my share of the work. Yes, it's my body but it's his vision. If I tried to get more money just because it (theoretically) sold then I think I would be cheapening my contribution to the project- not to mention making me a Class A Asshole. I played my part and was compensated. Any other windfall belongs to the artist who had the vision.

This was all theoretical discussion, but I've been thinking about these things for a long time. I've dabbled with the idea that my knowledge and talent (and yes- my physical person) are worth something and why shouldn't I demand money for the use of such things? But it seems like a matter of degree. I am discovering that as soon as I put a price on something that is uniquely me that it immediately begins to depreciate in value. What I am and have to offer is priceless and therefore should remain as the literal root word and its suffix would suggest: without price. Does this mean I should not be treated fairly or ever financially compensated? No. It just means I need to stop trying to hang some arbitrary number on my worth. No number is high enough. If I place my ticket price at $2 or $20 million I have sold myself short in both instances. If all that matters is the money than everything else that WOULD have mattered (i.e. art, expression, message, etc) falls down on the list of priorities. Money IS a factor. But it shouldn't be.

I know this does not sound particularly practical, but I feel if I keep my wits about me and follow my gut it will all come out in the wash. I cannot sell what is me. But I can live comofrtably off of charitable donations and tokens of gratitude for a job well done. My purpose on this Earth is not to make a lot of money, but to give what I have and to live well and that does not necessarily mean that I need to have a lot of money in order to fulfill my destiny.