The Struggles of Year Number 1

There is definitely a reason why I waited for nearly 7 years to have another kid.

I am an incredibly selfish person. I like having a few minutes to myself. I like being able to day dream- to be in my own little world staring into the reflecting pool of my soul and contemplating my place in the universe. I like to watch movies with swearing. I don't particularly care for mundane tasks. I do not romanticize motherhood- even though I adore my children and delight in their progress as human beings. But, I miss participating in my art. It makes me cranky and decidedly "unfun" to be torn away from my creative outlets.

When my eldest was a toddler, I had a conversation with another mother in the park who was complaining about her husband. He had come home from work and then made some snotty comment to the effect of "Gee, I wish I could spend all day in the park hanging out with my friends, drinking coffee and playing with my kids...". Her response? "Yeah, it's great. It's only sucking the soul right out of my body."

I'll let that comment stand.

It is the most bizarre and complicated ball of emotions. On one hand there is pride, love, joy, excitement and all the warm fuzzies a person could want. On the other, there is resentment, frustration, isolation, sadness, and guilt. A lot of guilt. These are the things I warn my girlfriends about as I watch them consider single parenthood as an option. (SAVE YOURSELVES! DON'T DO IT! Life with a partner to share the workload is hard enough!) Perhaps if I had taken more time to work on my career before I had kids, maybe then I would be able to afford some help so that I could go out and pursue my art. Maybe that is the cause of the negativity. Regardless, I am in the situation I am in and I just need to be more creative. I can do that, but the first year of life is so tiring and I also have to be realistic about my limitations.

It's not all bad. It really isn't. I just happen to get exhausted after having had to lug 14 pounds of human being everywhere for 24 hours straight (and I do mean everywhere!) and not having a minute to collect myself. On top of that physical drain is the emotional battle with a 7 year old who wishes he was a baby again. He weighs a lot more than 14 pounds! A person can only be loving and understanding for so long without reciprocity! After that, you just need to hide in the bathroom for 20 minutes.

Or vent on a blog.

God, that's embarrassing.