Why Some People Aren't Anywhere

I know perfectly well why I am not rich and famous. My priorities are all wrong. I have never had enough hunger, drive (or self-esteem) to go out and hunt down opportunities, agents, press, etc. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with that. As an actor I should crave these things and search them out like a crazed, half-starved animal. I never have. I never will. I am quite content to do my little projects and hope that people will come and enjoy themselves. I know I won't get far with this method. I've spent a lot of time feeling inadequate about it, but my world view has expanded enough to allow me to appreciate small contributions to life. It's the little things, right?

One thing I do feel good about is that I am dependable. Sometimes a little too dependable, but regardless, my word is my bond. I am professional. It amazes me how many people in this business aren't. A lot of these people are the crazed, half-starved animals that I am not. I don't see how they can afford to be so flaky and so driven at the same time. Maybe this is why we are all still toiling away in the trenches of off-off (off!) Broadway venues.

I've been working as a producer on this one night event and I am floored to have people back out 3 days before the show. Why? Well, I've gotten plenty of excuses. Some of them seeming somewhat reasonable until you begin to ask "Why couldn't you have backed out three weeks ago?" or "There are 7 people in your project, why can't someone else pick up the slack?". I can only assume that is because the work has not been done.

I've fielded freak out phone calls about dates when people haven't even consulted their calendars. I've had people ask me to just pick up and move the entire project to another night 2 weeks in the future- forget the fact that space is hard enough to come by in this city and that all of the publicity has already gone out and we are on a budget of exactly $0.00. Yeah, you don't have enough time. Welcome to the theatre, my friends. You will always be strapped for time. The show will never be fully written. Your show will never feel "good enough". Yet, my experience is that you just have to put your head down and DO IT. No matter the outcome, you'll always be glad you did. And if circumstances prohibit you from participating- show good form and keep others abreast of the situation so you can exit graciously.

It isn't just this particular project. I've been experiencing this lack of professionalism and courtesy in so many other areas of my life as well. Recently I had someone who hired me for a project caution my enthusiasm by saying, "Don't go overboard. I don't want this to get TOO successful". What? Who says that? I've witnessed people using intimidation and passive aggressive guilt tactics to goad their employees and contractors into taking over projects so they don't have to take responsibility for a particular task. It blows me away that I could live in such a competitive environment and still find people who behave this way. Although, to be truthful, when I've been in less competitive environments I've experienced more professionalism.

I am by no means perfect. After all, I'm clearly ticked about recent developments and am venting on a blog. That is, admittedly, a sad state of affairs. I wonder if I kicked things up a notch and was at a defferent level if I would find more of the same? Or would people behave differently? It seems an awfully weird time in my life to be considering any kind of advancement. Someone once told me that genius rarely surrounds itself with inferiors. People who are true successes work to surround themselves with people who not only match their abilities but exceed them. It gives them a challenge.

Perhaps I underestimate myself and I need to surround myself with people who are much smarter than I. Maybe that is what my hunger should be for- not to validate myself with the trappings of "success" or "fame" or "fortune", but to challenge my abilities and to grow.

Of course, the person who told me that genius thing... she was a total crack pot.