Bree O'Connor in "Show Business" or "Streamline Your Operation"

That title only sounds good in my head if the narrator from Rocky and Bullwinkle says it. Of course, I have no talent for puns, so I guess even that guy couldn't make it sound very good.

Sigh.

Regardless of how bad my post title is, it does shed a little light on my state of mind. My new working theory is that I should merge my personal goals with my professional goals. I cannot and I should not pursue two separate goals because I will reach neither one.

For example, I can't be both a Happy Heloise Becky Homecky Wife and Mother while also putting 100% of my energies into being an actor, director and producer. Frankly, just one of those paths is too much for any normal human to navigate. I cannot be all things to all people, nor can I be all things to myself! So I need to find a way to make my life's goals manageable. Streamlined. I need to shift my super objective away from seeking validation or needing to win toward something a little more self-fulfilling. All of my energy should be focused on being a better person for myself and for my family and for my art. This is different than having something to prove to the world outside yourself.

Here's the funny thing about life and art. You are free to choose the stakes. You can choose what is important to you and you do not need to be at the mercy of other's ideas of success. Split life goals means someone you love is going to miss out.

When my father retired I went to the festivities. I heard the speeches and listened to my father's colleagues share their memories of my father's rather distinguished career. The phrase that kept popping up in my mind is "The cobbler's kids have no shoes". My father was innovative, insightful, intelligent and forward thinking in his career. He was tired, distant and grouchy in his family. One goal had to be a priority because family and career success were not compatable goals. Family was not something a man needed to focus on in my father's generation. My father's colleagues know a much different man than the father I know. I know my father was happier at work than he was with his family. You can't run a family like you run a business or vice versa.

Or can you?

Maybe it is a different kind of family and a different kind of business, but maybe there is a way to do what you love and have your family be a part of it as well. Maybe there is a way to turn personal and professional goals inward and use those challenges to become the person you want to be as opposed to the person you feel expected to be. But maybe that would require removing preconceived notions of success and approval out of the equation. That is actually a lot scarier than it sounds. Getting others' approval is actually a lot easier than getting your own.

As I work to assemble this new philosophy I have to ask myself what I want from my family life and what I want from my working life. If I dig deep enough, I find that I want the same thing from both. I want to grow as a human being. They are simply two limbs on the same tree growing in different directions but meant to provide for the nourishment of the whole. There is no logical reason why I need to separate my career from my family or see my family as an impediment to my career.

In America, it is easy to see the obstacle. We are encouraged to "play the obstacle", which is diplomatic director speak for "crappy acting". If you play the obstacle you've given up. No one wants to watch a character that isn't actively struggling. It is boring and it makes you want to punch that guy in the neck. If it makes an audience feel that way to watch a character wallow in the face of an obstacle, imagine what it feels like in your personal life to be treated like that obstacle! I don't want that for my family.

So. A philosophy is great. It is a good start. But how do I put it into practice? I've got my company. I've got my life partner. I've got my business partner. I'm building personal and professional support networks. I've got a great show. I don't have a great audience...yet. I've got a great kid. I don't have great child care. I want another kid. I still don't have great child care. I've got a lot of know-how. I don't have a lot of capital. Okay. I don't have any capital. I could continue teaching and doing other odd (and I do mean ODD) jobs to try to support my family and my theater habit, which is what I've always done. OR I could put my head down, plow through a very rough financial time and work to make this company a success.

However, that I cannot do without the support of my family. I'm lucky though, because I think they actually like me.