The Month of Living Dangerously

Since January I have been challenging my fear that the Earth would fall off its axis if I was to go back to work. I was afraid that if I wasn't within a 10 block radius of my son's school that something terrible would happen... I might be late picking him up.

Although I still have occasional visions of my child wandering off into the Brooklyn wilderness to find his negligent mother, I have, for the most part, discovered that there are a lot of people I can go to for help. Great. This lead to my next fear, and this was the fear that I didn't want to even admit existed. What if I suck at this?

While staring down the Inadequacy Demon I started to miss the good old days. It was much nicer to imagine that I was so good at being a mother that my son would suffer in my absence then it was to imagine that I would forever be an Ed Woodesque character desperately trying to force square old me into a round old world. I'm getting over that one, too.

I'm teaching some second graders the joys of performing. I'm directing a show. I've joined a Master Class. Every day I am doing what I love. The exciting thing is that I am finally getting to work at a level that feels good. My instincts about having a teacher were right. Everyone needs to have someone to push them, to inspire them and force them to stretch. It is a delight to be a student again. Most of all, it is a delight to work with generous people who are engaged and interested in pursuing an ensemble.

I had a thrilling moment in class on Sunday that reminded me why I love this artform in the first place. I was paired with a gentleman for a physical acting exercise. It was our first day of class and this man and I had maybe exchanged two or three short sentences during the day. The exercise was deceptively simple, we were to approach one another and meet in the center of the room maintaining eye contact. Once in the center of the room we were to circle one another (keeping eye contact) and then cross to the other side of the room. We were given this simple circumstance: Person A has somehow wronged Person B. In the center Person B must decide whether to forgive or not to forgive. Although this seems a simple exercise, deep eye contact is not a normal part of the everyday American existence and it is excruciatingly difficult for a person who suffers from any kind of social anxiety (such as myself). I was blessed with a very generous and open partner for the exercise. As we walked toward one another (I was the wronged Person B) I knew I was just going to eat this man alive. He was walking toward me so smug, so cocksure that I felt certain he deserved a good ass whooping. With every step I became more and more irritated. How dare he look at me like that! Then it happened. We were about four steps away from one another and I saw something else in his eyes. As I got closer I saw pain and regret and I melted. I was confused. I wanted to hold on to my anger, but what I saw in him was so compelling, so human that I had no choice but to forgive him. I felt terrible, almost as if my expectations for him had been impossibly high and I had neglected his humanity. I was still reeling from the "hurt" he had caused me (from our vague given circumstances) but I was also deeply moved by who he was and what he was feeling. I walked away from him reluctantly because my impulse then was to hold him and kiss his forehead to wipe away his indescretion.

All this from a brief walk across a room.

It is amazing what can happen when you are working with a generous and open partner. It is thrilling when a story just materializes in a moment. The rest of the day was good, but that 90 seconds or so of real human contact touched me so deeply and gave me such an enormous kick in the ass that that moment alone would justify the high tuition I'm paying for this class.

I am looking forward to more.