Friday, September 21, 2007

"You Look Great!"

Leave it to me to turn a compliment into an insult.

Lately, I've been running into a lot of people that I haven't seen in a few years. They've all said the same thing, "You look great!". Gee. Thanks. Don't sound so surprised.

In my twisted mind I hear the unspoken, "Cuz, man, the last time I saw you, you looked like crap! It's good to see you all cleaned up..." I know that isn't exactly what they are thinking, but I find it hard for my brain not to go to that negative space. I have a habit of being defeated even before I leave the gate.

I'm not alone in that. We are mired in negativity. It appears that our nation actually runs on negativity. You're damned if you do, so why try?

I'll tell you what, I really like Dennis Kucinich. That little guy has got to have some big ones to get in front of the American people and say that his gentle principles need not be comprimised just because he is running for President. To me, he's the bravest candidate running because he is positive that he can achieve his goals by keeping his eyes on the prize. I have a sneaking suspicion that he actually has a vision for what that prize actually is. All the other candidates are "playing the obstacle", to use one of my favorite phrases. There are a lot of "ifs", "buts", and "thens" in their vocabularies. They play to the negativity of the situation, the problems, the drama. "Oh! It's so HARD! But I've got the solution, if you'll let me do it and if... and but...and then..."

Kucinich doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell, but I like him. I'd like to be a little bit more like Dennis Kucinich myself.

Seeing the positive, the possibility of a situation is an exciting frame of mind. Not to mention that it is also a very creative state of mind. I'll use one of my favorite examples of making a positive choice from an acting standpoint. I'll tell this story to illustrate that positive isn't always what you think it means.

Years ago I had a revelatory moment in an acting class when my teacher declared, "Stanley Kowalski is the most patient man in the world." It was then that I GOT it. Of course, Stanley Kowalski is not the quality of "animal" or "masculine", he is a human being. From his perspective he is putting up with a lot from his sister-in-law, and he thinks that all of his actions are justified and right. An actor playing Stanley must put aside all of his ideas of what Stanley should look like, talk like, and even feel like until he has empathized with Stanley's point of view. The actor cannot, and should not, wallow in Stanley's predicament, but should use each beat, each moment, to work toward a resolution using the tools he has available.

Another example is any character about to commit suicide. Suicide is not the obstacle to the character's "happiness", it is the solution. I've seen (and sadly, been one myself) actors play suicide moments as tortured, heavy moments full of pain and doubt. The sad truth is, to that character, suicide is a release and once the decision has been made they get a little lighter. If you talk to people who have been close to anyone who has committed suicide most of them will tell you that they never saw it coming. Things seemed to be getting so much better. In reality, that person seemed better because they had just removed the last obstacle and they felt relieved.

Don't write to me and tell me that I am advocating suicide. I'm not. This is where the actor's craft gets dicey and dangerous because people tend to misinterpret the actor's empathy. I think, perhaps, our electronic age is encouraging us to ignore our capacity for empathy. We spew a lot of negativity through our various electronic boxes. We gossip, we hide our identities through screen names and say things we wouldn't say if we had to look that person in the eye. There is an entire series on cable devoted to different disasters that could annihilate the human species. Morning talk shows are filled with mealy mouthed hosts that smile vapidly as they go through their partially scripted 2 minute conversations that are really just filler to get to the real purpose of the show...to get you to watch commercials. It is hard to motivate yourself to do anything in this kind of environment. Other than to wallow in the negativity. That's a viable option.

Really, positive action isn't good or bad. Positive action is anything the moves a situation, a person, forward into the next phase and the next decision. We now have a culture that encourages stagnation. We are easier to control when we are busy chasing our tails. We can be herded to the slaughter. My urge to go to a negative place after being given a compliment is my urge to go backward to an uncomfortable place of self-loathing. It keeps me stagnant. It keeps me focused on my own personal obstacle- I don't think I'm pretty enough. If I could accept the compliment and let it make me feel good I could move on to the next thing in my life instead of obsessing about how I had let myself go for so long.

So, yeah. I actually DO look great. Thanks.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Real Make-Believe

There have been many times in my life in which I have found myself in conflict with the actor's craft. My faith in the craft that has given me so much is sometimes shaken by what I see on movie screens, in rehearsal rooms, onstage and on TV. Red carpets both attract and repulse me. Talk shows where actors make a few slick jokes and wink at the camera in an attempt to lure my film dollar make me immediately (and many times, unfairly) skeptical. I am both weary and leary of my opinions and my loyalties being bought and sold for the sake of flashy crap starring a bunch of short, skinny, pretty people in designer clothes.

Sometimes I feel my career, my artform is useless tripe.

When Will Smith was plugging "The Pursuit of Happyness" on Oprah, he told a story about a meeting he had with Nelson Mandela. He (Will Smith) was in awe of Mr. Mandela (rightfully so) and had told him that he felt his profession wasn't as worthwhile, expecially in comparison to Mandela's. According to Mr. Smith's story, Nelson Mandela told him that what he does is powerful and important.

That story should make me feel good, validated and empowered. But it doesn't. Because the context in which the tale was told leaves me cold and disgusted. It was told in the context of making a sale. It was told to make me see that this movie is as important as Nelson Mandela's struggle against Apartheid.

Well, it's not.

It just isn't. While I hold tightly to the belief that art can change the way people see the world and can spur them into action, I also know that we must keep our influence in perspective. Few people exhibit the level of strength and courage that inspire others to greatness. We can't expect a handful of mealy-mouthed celebutants to be the ones who change the world. Real society changing stuff doesn't happen in a sequinned gown on a red carpet. Social equality will never be reached in the back seat of a stretch limo even if that limo runs on bio-diesel. Real change happens on street corners, prison cells, living rooms, bars and coffee shops.

But there is no reason for me to believe that I cannot, by virtue of my chosen profession, play an integral part in change. I do not have to participate or encourage the artificiality that is celebrated in our culture. What I need to keep in mind is that there IS something true and rare about what I do.

Here is something interesting, when a person watches a compelling performance the viewer's brain kicks into overdrive- as if the events on stage or on screen are actually happening to the viewer. The experience of the viewer is in synch with the performer. Both the performer and the viewer's brains act as if the event depicted in the film or play or whatever is actually happening to them. Even though we can walk away from a performance and understand that those events did not "actually" happen, our systems feel as if it did. Our systems interpret the experience on that level of truth. In essense, this means that our make-believe experiences are real to our bodies. This is where my artform is uniquely necessary.

Acting can inspire empathy. Empathy- with proper direction- can be inspired to action.

While that calling is not as grand or as self sacrificing as that of a political dissident, it still has unlimited potential for changing the hearts and minds of others. But potential can be squandered by the celebration of the messanger and not the message.

What I am saying here is- Don't break your arm patting yourself on the back.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Bree O'Connor in "Show Business" or "Streamline Your Operation"

That title only sounds good in my head if the narrator from Rocky and Bullwinkle says it. Of course, I have no talent for puns, so I guess even that guy couldn't make it sound very good.

Sigh.

Regardless of how bad my post title is, it does shed a little light on my state of mind. My new working theory is that I should merge my personal goals with my professional goals. I cannot and I should not pursue two separate goals because I will reach neither one.

For example, I can't be both a Happy Heloise Becky Homecky Wife and Mother while also putting 100% of my energies into being an actor, director and producer. Frankly, just one of those paths is too much for any normal human to navigate. I cannot be all things to all people, nor can I be all things to myself! So I need to find a way to make my life's goals manageable. Streamlined. I need to shift my super objective away from seeking validation or needing to win toward something a little more self-fulfilling. All of my energy should be focused on being a better person for myself and for my family and for my art. This is different than having something to prove to the world outside yourself.

Here's the funny thing about life and art. You are free to choose the stakes. You can choose what is important to you and you do not need to be at the mercy of other's ideas of success. Split life goals means someone you love is going to miss out.

When my father retired I went to the festivities. I heard the speeches and listened to my father's colleagues share their memories of my father's rather distinguished career. The phrase that kept popping up in my mind is "The cobbler's kids have no shoes". My father was innovative, insightful, intelligent and forward thinking in his career. He was tired, distant and grouchy in his family. One goal had to be a priority because family and career success were not compatable goals. Family was not something a man needed to focus on in my father's generation. My father's colleagues know a much different man than the father I know. I know my father was happier at work than he was with his family. You can't run a family like you run a business or vice versa.

Or can you?

Maybe it is a different kind of family and a different kind of business, but maybe there is a way to do what you love and have your family be a part of it as well. Maybe there is a way to turn personal and professional goals inward and use those challenges to become the person you want to be as opposed to the person you feel expected to be. But maybe that would require removing preconceived notions of success and approval out of the equation. That is actually a lot scarier than it sounds. Getting others' approval is actually a lot easier than getting your own.

As I work to assemble this new philosophy I have to ask myself what I want from my family life and what I want from my working life. If I dig deep enough, I find that I want the same thing from both. I want to grow as a human being. They are simply two limbs on the same tree growing in different directions but meant to provide for the nourishment of the whole. There is no logical reason why I need to separate my career from my family or see my family as an impediment to my career.

In America, it is easy to see the obstacle. We are encouraged to "play the obstacle", which is diplomatic director speak for "crappy acting". If you play the obstacle you've given up. No one wants to watch a character that isn't actively struggling. It is boring and it makes you want to punch that guy in the neck. If it makes an audience feel that way to watch a character wallow in the face of an obstacle, imagine what it feels like in your personal life to be treated like that obstacle! I don't want that for my family.

So. A philosophy is great. It is a good start. But how do I put it into practice? I've got my company. I've got my life partner. I've got my business partner. I'm building personal and professional support networks. I've got a great show. I don't have a great audience...yet. I've got a great kid. I don't have great child care. I want another kid. I still don't have great child care. I've got a lot of know-how. I don't have a lot of capital. Okay. I don't have any capital. I could continue teaching and doing other odd (and I do mean ODD) jobs to try to support my family and my theater habit, which is what I've always done. OR I could put my head down, plow through a very rough financial time and work to make this company a success.

However, that I cannot do without the support of my family. I'm lucky though, because I think they actually like me.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Black?

On Friday night Bill Maher had Mos Def and Cornel West on his show. Mos Def was funny. Cornel West was his warm, loquascious self. Bill held his own, but he displayed some symptoms- side effects, if you will, of a brush with blackness.

Now, I don't say this to be critical. There are just some uncomfortable truths about how white people behave around anyone who is behaving "Black". This is where things get sticky for me to describe. Even my hackles raise when someone describes something as "black" because I know that "black" is a cultural generalization that falls apart whenever you start looking at the individual. But for the sake of expediency I am going to use this inaccuracy to throw some light on another inaccuracy..."white".

Mos Def brought the black with him. Cornel West luxuriated in it. Bill Maher, as I said, held his own and did not turn into a Zelig. Even so, his language got a shade blacker and there was at least one instance of awkward "white" defensiveness. I don't bring this up to dissect Bill Maher's ability to mix with other cultures or anything else related specifically to those involved with Friday's show. I only bring it up because it started me thinking about how race affects my behavior.

I am decidedly more lame than Bill Maher. Like a good liberal I am afraid of discussing race. In a ridiculous turn of Stephen Colbert-like behavior I have a tendancy to avoid even mentioning race as if I don't even see it. This summer my son had a park playdate with one of his friends who just happens to be black. I was watching both of them in a very large and busy playground when she disappeared into the crowd. I started calling for her and when she didn't come my heart started to pound and I was running all over the park to find her. Another parent asked me who I was looking for. I struggled to describe her without saying the word "black". Finally, I realized that was a stupid thing to do and while I was finally able to spit it out I felt an innocent tapping on my back and there she was, smiling at me.

Why was it so uncomfortable for me to admit to a stranger that another human being is black? I encountered a similar feeling when I tried to point out to another parent a little girl that my son had a crush on who just happens to be Asian. The one over there, with the pink backpack and black hair. No the other pink backpack. She has stragiht black hair! Oh! Why won't you just get what I am saying? Like a good liberal I sought a culturally diverse school for my son. I am so happy that my little Irishman's best friends are Arab, Hispanic, Black and Asian and that he hardly notices anything beyond "John always looks like he has a tan...". But I feel myself, somehow, unworthy to acknowledge race in any way. What if "black" is the wrong word? What if I'm a jerk for even noticing? And, ultimately, if I acknowledge race than I would have to admit to my own race and my own race is not as sexy.

I have a lot of Puerto Rican neighbors. My Spanish is terrible, but I can pick up the gist of what they're gossiping about on the stoop while we let our kids play on the sidewalk before dinnertime. I usually keep my mouth shut, not because I can't relate to them and not even because I don't understand them. To be honest, I listen to their bawdy jokes and wish I felt that comfortable. White, middle class, mommies only talk about sex in hushed tones over glasses of wine after the children are in bed. In addition to concerns about my cultural lameness I feel the unspoken accusation that my gleaming white appearance on the block is going to raise their rents next year. Regardless of my friendly intentions, my presence is part of a larger trend that shakes them at their financial foundations.

Of course, those that are homeowners on the block welcome me with open arms.

I try to be easy going. A black man that I used to work with had this t-shirt that read, "Lady, I don't want your purse". I think that is hysterical and it made me super conscious of how I treat black strangers on the street and on the train. Most of the time, I over do it. I now have this horrible, Pavlovian response to young black men. They make me yawn. If I was observing a pack of dogs I would say that the yawning dog was displaying submissiveness. Maybe the yawning dog is trying to overcompensate for the sins of the rest of the pack. How arrogant and self-important is that?

A girl I went to high school with once gave me a serious verbal bitch slapping. She said to me, "There is nothing more insulting to me than white guilt. White guilt comes from pity and let me tell you, I don't need your fucking pity." That stopped me absolutely cold. But I still don't know what to do with that. Down deep, I know that no one is asking me to DO anything except relax and be human. But I'm not really sure how to do that. I feel the constant need to try to identify myself as "one of the good guys". When it comes down to it, I think that is the heart of white lameness.

It's like those movies in the 80's about the civil rights movement. Those films were always told from the "good" white perspective. Black characters were relegated to secondary importance while some fair minded white person fought for truth, justice and the American way. This kind of liberalism is horrible, insulting and it diminishes those it pretends to lift up. It is a part of my indoctrination and I struggle to slough it off. In the crusade for equality the best I can do is be supportive and work to meet everyone somewhere in the middle. The revolution is not going to be led by this face.

Damn. This shit is hard.

Monday, September 03, 2007

Suspension of Disbelief

The more I think about it, celebrity is not a good thing.

At least not for the artform.

Or perhaps I should rephrase that... there's a certain type of celebrity that is bad for the form. Not because fame can be troubling to people who aren't prepared for it. Not because they sometimes set a bad example for our children. Not even because I, personally, tire of hearing about the troubles of the rich and famous. For me celebrity makes it harder to suspend disbelief. In fact, I often find myself going to movies because I can't help but roll my eyes and say, "Celebrity X is playing what now? Surely you jest!". Going to a film to watch a pretty person fall on their face (and hope that you might be pleasantly surprised instead) is quite a different beast from going to see just a plain, old good movie.

There's a generational gap that allows me to thouroughly enjoy just about everything on Turner Classic Movies. Sure, I now know a lot about the personal lives of Montgomery Clift, Clark Gable, Joan Crawford etc, etc, but since I'm not currently bombarded by their lives I can suspend my disblief when I see them on film. To me, James Cagney IS a real tough guy. Peter Lorre IS an opportunistic slime ball. Katherine Hepburn IS a icy cold socialite, or a queen, or a missionary, or whatever the hell she tells me she is. I believe them. I have trouble believing the actors of today.

Now, I realize that is a general statement and you can't take that to be true in every case. I believe Steve Carrell. Granted, I didn't much care for Produce Pete on The Daily Show, but I believed he could be a 40 year old virgin. I also believed he was a suicidal Proust scholar. I might even believe that he is Maxwell Smart- but the jury is still out on that one. I know Leonardo DiCaprio has beefed up quite a bit but I have trouble buying him as a guy with any kind of back bone. He still has the soft tenor voice of a high school sophmore and I can't get past his legendary cuteness. Same with Brad Pitt. I can't even watch Thelma and Louise anymore without thinking 'Hey, that's pretty, pretty Brad Pitt who cheated on his wife with a woman with bigger lips and tits." When I'm doing that I'm not watching the film, I'm dissecting a live human being and trying to pull pieces of information about their personal lives out of their performance. I'm watching something else entirely and I will tell you this- to me it is not nearly as interesting as watching a good movie.

So. Do we blame the writers? Do we blame the directors? How about the celebrities or ourselves? We could blame the news media for stooping to our level and lifting these sordid stories up from the muck of gossip and granting them official status as "news". I know it seems like a bit of a stretch to some people, but to me our overwhelming cynacism and willingness to both celebrate and destroy those we celebrate seems symptomatic of a broken culture. We numb ourselves with trans fats, high fructose corn syrup and celebrity.

Maybe I could fiddle while Rome burns, but I hate to see the stories go.